Review: But I Love Him by Amanda Grace

Name of book: But I Love Him
Author: Amanda Grace (Mandy Hubbard)
Publication: May 8th 2011 by Flux
Genre: YA Contemporary
Source: Borrowed

Sometimes at night, I wake up and stare at the heart for hours. I think of how I collected each piece from the beach, how I glued it all together into one big sculpture. I wonder if Connor realizes what it means, that he'll always have a piece of me no matter what happens. Each piece of glass is another piece of myself that I gave to him.

It's too bad I didn't keep any pieces for myself.

At the beginning of senior year, Ann was a smiling, straight-A student and track star with friends and a future. Then she met a haunted young man named Connor. Only she can heal his emotional scars; only he could make her feel so loved - and needed. Ann can't recall the pivotal moment it all changed, when she surrendered everything to be with him, but by graduation, her life has become a dangerous high wire act. Just one mistake could trigger Connor's rage, a senseless storm of cruel words and violence damaging everything - and everyone - in its path.

This evocative slideshow of flashbacks reveals a heartbreaking story of love gone terribly wrong.

-- My Rating --

-- My Thoughts --

     I seriously don't know how to review this book, or rate it. Reading this was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But don't worry, it wasn't bad. It was just so...... I will talk about this later. Jump on the train and relax.

     Anne was a down-to-earth, easy-going young girl. She had friends, even if her family life was far from happy. She was the average normal teen. Until the day she met Connor. Connor was not like other boys, he noticed her, he helped her, he brought her flowers, he appreciated her time, and he complimented her. Anne was not aware, but she was falling deeper in love by the day.

     Fast-forward, one year later. Anne is not the same girl, anymore. She is broken, bruised, unhappy, and she has no friends. She is living in Connor's apartment, and sadly, she cannot get away from him. Connor is broken, too, and Anne seems like his only savior. Even as she knows he is the reason she is in this state, she loves him. The only answer she has to the nagging questions is "But I Love Him..."

     Why did their relationship went downhill? What is hiding in Conner's past? Will Anne ever be able to get away from him? Why can't she? Find out much more when you read this truly heartbreaking, deeply-moving story of a love that crossed the line.

     I LOVED this book. Believe me, I loved the emotions I experienced through the book. Amanda Grace is a fabulous writer with an amazingly lyrical voice. I found many quotes that I loved in every page.

"The air inside the blanket warms, and I rock back and forth, back and forth, inside this bubble where nothing exists but me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am alone. Just as he intended."

     This book was hard to read, honestly. I shed so many tears for Anne. Many people who read this, described her as "stupid", wondering why she didn't walk away from such a relationship. But that's the point of the book; -as the author states in an interview- the author wants us to know why people who are in "abusive" relationships can't just walk away. I felt for Anne, I loved her, and I related to her, in more ways that one. She is one of the best contemporary heroines I have ever read about.

     I just don't know how to rate this. So, I am giving it four stars. I was planning on five, but looking back, it caused me so much pain that I gotta get back at it somehow (revenge?). This book is heart-wrenching but gives you such an emotional, wonderful insight on these relationships that it's almost impossible to put down once you have started it. Recommended to every romantic, every contemporary fan, and every avid reader, out there!

My utterly-favorite quotes (hard to name a few, though):

"But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all the scars will have scars and that is all I will be, one big scar of a love gone wrong. "
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"He needs me. Just as I need him. But hearing the words buckles everything inside of me. I fold in on myself and bury my face in my knees and wrap my arms around my legs and try to disappear. I could drown in my own tears."

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"These are the things I see in him. The way he makes lemonade out of lemons."

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"I don’t know why he gets to be two different people, and I only get to be me, the one who is here to take what he has to give, and who is here to pick up the pieces afterward."

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"These are the only moments we have left. These precious seconds where the passion blots out everything else, and it is just us. The rest is a war neither of us can ever win. But I have already waved my white flag. I have already surrendered. "

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"People don’t change because you want them to. They aren’t clay, ready to be molded."

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"I want him to be whole so I don’t have to try so hard to make him that way.I want to not care if I make a mistake. I want this to be easy and happy, and I want to not walk on eggshells every moment of every day. I want to say the wrong thing and see him smile anyway. "